Yesterday in general was a good day. Well sort of. It didn’t end so great again as I got into a “smallish” argument with He Who Must Not Be Named (I should maybe just call him D-Vader as they share so many personality traits).
But anyway, the day started good as I tried to get myself in a mindset of not worrying about him. What he does, what he says, how he hurts. As per the previous post, and realising how I have this addiction to getting hurt, I thought that I should now start taking steps to prevent myself from doing that again.
I have a bad habit of always taking it a step too far. Always scratching where there isn’t an itch. I can’t just leave stuff alone. I need to have my say too…and get hurt in the process.
Maybe it is a nasty thing to say, but I do believe in all honesty it’s not entirely my fault.
In the years dealing with D-Vader regarding arguments or discussions, he has always left me feeling like I do not have a say in anything. I have no opinion, thus have no value. He would always tell me that what he says, goes, but I will push the subject just to let him see and understand a little of what I’m feeling or thinking. That would just push him over the edge. A lot of pushing around there, you must be thinking. Well maybe that was part of the toxicity of our relationship I was blind to. Maybe that was why I ended up never being able to leave things alone. I just HAD to feel valued. So I do this, he does that, then I do this again and it leads to him doing that again…over and over.
At the end of it all, he would always tell me that when he is that upset, I must just leave him alone. I must talk to him when he has cooled down. But I have always felt like, WHY? Why can he say what he wants to me, talk harshly to me, talk down to me and then I must just sit there and take it. So I must wait till who knows when, to have my say and try to explain myself to him, just to have whatever I say, make the situation flare up again? And by then having forgotten half of what I wanted to say in the first place…
It’s an exhausting cycle now that I think about it. And it’s still not over. But knowing this now, realising my own errors and also realising that it really isn’t all my fault, I can now focus on just trying to handle situations better. I need to let go. Leave stuff alone. I can’t keep having hangups over issues that might not go anywhere at all, just so that I can feel resolved. I know that some days it will be hard, and I won’t follow my own advice, but it’s worth a shot.
So my plan 🙂
- I take a deep breath
- I think before I speak
- I speak calmly, clearly and slowly
- I will not fear him or his moods – he can not control me
- But I will respect what he has to say and leave him to feel what he feels, and do what he wants. If he doesn’t want to resolve the matter then so be it.
“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien,