pain, hurt, love, lost, emotions, wounds, hate

I Hate To Love You Right Now

And let myself

breathe and mouth the words

‘I miss you’

to the empty air.

Read the full letter here.


Today I found out that D-Vader is seeing someone else. Well, probably not “seeing” in a sense of dating but def someone that is showing interested. When you read the words she wrote to him that says “I think you’re really ‘kief’. I would like to see you again, maybe we can go for a drink this week?” then you should know…

I can’t explain the confusion that I’m feeling. Do I cry? Do I get angry and message him? No no, I told myself I would breathe. It hurts man. It hurts to know in one moment he tells you he just needs to sort his life out, he isn’t interested in any other relationships right now, but about a month into the break-up he’s doing all this? But then again he has never stuck to his word before. I call it candy-floss-talk. Maybe this is what he wanted all along, to be free of me. Not to “sort his quarter life crisis out” or to “work on himself”. He just wanted someone else. Someone new, fresh, younger. Who knows. But I’m getting too negative and bitter again, so let me stop.

I am trying hard, so so hard to get myself into a mindset of being happy for him though. I love him so much, isn’t that what I should feel for him? Shouldn’t I wish him all the happiness in the world? I just can’t right now. Maybe I just haven’t given myself time to heal properly yet. The scars are still raw, open wounds and who knows how long it will take to heal. There is too many questions and emotions falling over each other inside my head. All I know is that right now, my heart is a mess. My mind is a mess. I’m writing this all down as best possible just to let it all out before I explode. Maybe I needed to see the messages to give me a practise run for when he really actually ends up dating this girl…or another. Then I might not be so shocked and broken when seeing him with someone else.

There is a song I recently heard, that fits my current state of mind perfectly. The band is called Gnash, and the song is called “I hate you I love you“. It’s pretty cool. Give it a listen.

Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
Today I’m just alive, but I’m not living. Where is the wolf in me to help lick OUR wounds? No where in sight clearly …

2 thoughts on “I Hate To Love You Right Now

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