I’m not sure what exactly I’m feeling today. All I know is that I’m not in a good mood. I’m tired. I feel stressed. I feel hopeless and sad. I feel angry to and I’m trying to pinpoint where the feelings comes from. My inner wolf is growling…Is she hungry? Maybe. Today its 2 months and 3 days since starting my new life in Single Town. It’s not D-Vader this time though. The civil relationship we have at the moment is just that…no arguments, no feelings, no uncomfortableness. But i have been thinking about him and us and me the last 2 days…and honestly I don’t know why. I do so GOOD somedays and then this happens.
Ok well maybe it is because of him, but not of something recent. Maybe it’s just the past and maybe I’m getting upset with myself for being so blind to all his deceit. Maybe that’s why I feel hopeless today. Like if D-Vader got me so hooked on his spell and made such a fool of me regarding my feelings and our relationship…the next person might even do the same. And how do I prevent that? Do I try to remember what I have learned going through this break up process now? Or do I just need to let go, and go for it, see what happens.
Ok so it’s not like I (at this current moment in time) have any desire for a new relationship. None whatsoever…I still can’t imagine it. I went to a birthday party on Friday and D-Vader asked my why I’m dressing up and said that maybe I will “catch a man”. And I’m like really? Leave me alone man, I am not YOU! I can’t just run to any other person for a relationship like he can and lie about it. I can’t just create a profile on every “match made in heaven” single site, just because I’m bored an lonely. I can’t come home with my clothes inside out and be all like “how did that happen” and lie about it. That’s just not me. I can’t just move on, so soon, just like that.
I think it’s just fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of disappointment. Fear of being hurt all over. Fear of time being wasted. D-Vader would tell me “it’s just how life is, deal with it”. Yes he generally has no compassion I think, but hey. Maybe there is truth in his words? Maybe it is just how life is. You have to go through the ups and downs to become a better you…right?
I just don’t like it. Looking back now, I could have done so much more, be so much more…
Overall I know I need to be realistic with myself. I’m not in a good mood. It’s Monday. It all affects the way I think at the moment. Yes, maybe I was blind, and stupid. But I did give it my all. I was loyal. I was loving. I would do anything in my power to make D-Vader or other people happy. And maybe that shouldn’t stop me from doing that for anyone else.
“There ought to be something very special about the boundary condition of the universe, and what can be more special that there is no boundary? There should be no boundary to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there’s always something you can do and succeed at. While there is life, there is hope.”
The Theory of Everything
I might be blind again one day. I might feel hopeless again. I might let the past get under my skin again. There is going to be many more Bad Mood Mondays, just like today. Days where I hate D-Vader. But…
I must just be more aware in future. Listen to my inner voice if something doesn’t feel great. Open my mouth to speak what I think and feel. Everything happened for a reason right? It wasn’t all in vain. I learned stuff..even if it was something small. Even if it is to realise that I am not useless. Even if it was just to start a blog and do something for myself for a change.
Let me go eat some Smarties, to lighten the load.