I Can Almost Taste My Freedom

So, at last after nearly 5 years of lies, mistrust, emotional abuse, I am almost free. You might be wondering what the hell is going in my life. Goodness, that is a good question.

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OK, so here is the deal. Me and D-Vader moved in together beginning of 2016, after 3.5 years of being together. It had it’s ups and downs of 2 people trying to figure each other out on a more personal manner, regarding lifestyle, house rules etc. Throughout May and June things just became really hard. It was hard to please D-Vader. To fight for his attention and love. He made me feel like everything I did felt like I’m hammering in another nail in our relationship coffin, even though I tried soooo very very hard to keep it all together. Of course it was clear that D-Vader just lost interest. Never listened to me, never accommodated me regarding emotional needs, never willing to work on it. Work on other things yes, but us? Nope. So when he finally came out and bragged about how he is the only one that has the “guts & balls” to break up, I was devastated but not totally shocked. I knew it was coming, and secretly I wished for my body and soul to inhale the first taste of freedom after years dealing with his narcissistic habits.

Anyway, after all this happens he still refused to give me back my investment money AND refused that I moved out because he will be financially affected negatively. I mean, whose problem is that…really? But of course, little push over me, little nice old me, said it’s fine, I agreed because I felt like there was no other choice, and I still loved him. If I do something for myself, it might just blow up in my face…so still the relationship went on. Like literally it felt like NOTHING changed except we stay in different rooms and there is no FaceBook relationship status.

It’s actually funny.

But so, the longer this has been dragging out, the more it came spiralling down. So at last he agreed to set me and my money free. And believe me, it wasn’t without a big fuss of me being told how stupid I am and how again “like always” I’m just thinking of myself because I have “always been selfish” after everything he did for me. And of course he helped me. He helped me a lot, especially in the financial department of my life. But to think that gets thrown in my face, makes me feel he never did anything without expecting to get something back. So you can just imagine what that leads to…another “tit for tat” session on who did what for whom and how many times…urgh, I’m just tired.

Tired of always having to prove over and over that he could trust me. That I can be a great girlfriend, that I will help and be there with whatever he needed, that love can conquer all if you just gave it your all. But I was alone in that equation. Maybe it was my own fault too, for just never being strong enough, too naive and blind to see the deep rooted anger and aggression, not standing up for myself, too reliant on him… and I had my faults too that’s for sure.

But yes, even he said it was a big learning curve for both of us. Currently I’m still not sure what I have learned personally out of all of this, but I will get there eventually. I’m just happy all this emotional baggage and trauma is almost over.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “I Can Almost Taste My Freedom

  1. LogophileIam says:

    Great to hear this from you. I hope I’ll have the gut to break him up too. It’s so hard to let go when you still love the person.

    Like

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