love, hurt, relationship, pain, change

About Change & Small Change

“I know what I have to do now. I’ve got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”
– from Cast Away

It’s another Monday. It’s cloudy. Then sunny. Then cloudy. Then cold. Then humid. The weather seems to duplicate my mood…or it might be the other way around. Up and down. Hot and cold.

It might also be because I was in such great company this weekend and it’s always over so soon. It sucks. I went for a haircut and colour this weekend where my BBF stays – that’s Best Beee-ach Forever haha – so it was a two-in-one combo of good old friendships mixed with new change and colour.

We were sitting outside, watching a thunderstorm brewing and she looked at my nails that I have had done a while ago too and mentioned that I’m doing these things almost like I was never able to before. She was right of course. Maybe I was trying to change the old me. Maybe I’m acting out, who knows. I do know however change is almost never a bad thing, right?

I think about it today again, and realized that being with D-Vader, months would go by before I actually did something for myself. Spoil myself, get a haircut, get the nails done or whatever. I would get a cheap cheap haircut one month, and use cheap box colour for up to a year before I go get another cheap haircut. My nails was hardly ever done. I had the mindset that my money isn’t my money. My money would always be first directed to him. When I get paid I would always first think “What can I get him? How can I spoil him? Maybe take him to a show? Book a camping weekend for us somewhere?” Which hardly ever worked anyway because I would get the “there is no money and I am busy anyway” speech. Some things never do change…

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I didn’t mind spending money on him or us. I tried to work very hard at our relationship, and I would spend money on it if I had to. I love spoiling people if I can. I love making people happy or helping out if I can. And I wish to meet someone one day that wouldn’t mind me spending money if there is a heartfelt reason behind it, and hopefully wouldn’t mind spending money and time on me too haha.

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
– Gandalf, from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

But I didn’t realize during that time that I had to do something for me too. Life is really to short to not spend a little extra on yourself. So I might not have that extra small change lying around, but it will help with not buying any junkfood! So it’s a bonus really 😀

Anyway, a little self-loving is never a bad thing, ok?
Make a little change if you have to. Or be the change you want to see. But do it for yourself!

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2 thoughts on “About Change & Small Change

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